Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
