he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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