I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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