i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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