Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
