Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
jump out the window naked night went bad
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
