1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize