why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
