I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
why do cheetos always look like penises
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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