If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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