I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
