Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
