i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
