i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
