This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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