I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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