So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
