Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
why is half of my head shaved?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
