i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
