Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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