I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
