at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
