I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
mondays should just be called national damage control day
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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