After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
tell me about the eggs
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