I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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