meet me or not, i'm out of control
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
