Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
