Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
