Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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