Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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