She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
