we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
