I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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