Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
