life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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