I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
