Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
