i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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