I think I am morally bankrupt
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
