My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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