2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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