I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
