what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
