I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize