he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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