Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just gift wrapped bread.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
