I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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