My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
