i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
