Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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