News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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