Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
